simplepuzzle | Under The Mistletoe

"I just drank too much, I didn't take anything or do anything stupider than that."

He wants to say they're not allowed to do this any more, remember? They're not together any more.

"Jesus."

Raleigh sinks down into a chair beside him, dragging a hand over his face.

"Scared us, kid." Yancy says.

"Yeah cos everything I gotta do is for you," he snaps. He's a second away from calling the orderlies to drag them out. He's not sure what's stopping him. "Why didn't you just call?"

"Never said that." Raleigh snaps back. Yancy sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Because we love you, Chuck. A breakup doesn't turn off a switch."

"Yeah but three months apart might imply something."

Seeing them feels so good and hurts him all at once, Chuck leans back and pulls a pillow over his head.

"No," Raleigh says tightly. "I'm still very much in love with both of you. If you'd--"

"Raleigh," Yancy says quietly. Almost a warning.

Raleigh's anger deflates and he looks away.

"I'm sorry," Raleigh says, staring at his hands.

"I need more than that," Chuck snaps, pulling the pillow off his face and glaring at Raleigh. "I need--Dammit, tell me you didn't fly all the way here just to argue for me taking you back!"

"I flew all the way here because I fucking love you like some sad puppy," he snaps.

Yancy sighs.

"I flew here because I was fucking terrified something had happened to you! Because I'm in love with you!"

"I never stopped!"

Chuck's heart monitor's going and they're going to have a doctor in here in a minute throwing them out. "Either of you," Chuck bites out. "I never wanted to lose either of you!"

"I'm sorry," Raleigh says again.

"I just needed time to think about it. I want to try again."

"I'm not talking about this," he growls. "You came to see I'm all right and I'm alive."

He doesn't want to talk about this now.

"Please," Yancy says softly. "Just think about it."

Chuck sits up again, hands clenched in his hands.

"I need a reason," he says shortly. "Love wasn't enough for you last time. If you can't do it you can't do it and that's fine, but I'm not going through it again. Go away and come back and give me a reason to trust you." He wants to trust Raleigh so badly but he can't.

"I have no idea what the fuck sort of reason you're looking for," Raleigh snarls. "You accuse me of giving up, talk down to me, you act like I personally betrayed you when I was honest. Fuck if I know why I want it back. I wonder how you'd feel if I treated you how you treat me."

He stands up.

"I want it back because I feel like I'm missing pieces of my soul. Like I'm not complete without either of you. Like I'm empty. But you know what? Maybe you're right. You've told me to go away enough that that's what I'm gonna do."

Fuck you both.

"You didn't tell us there was a problem!" And holy fuck does Chuck not want to do this now. "Yancy didn't know and he knows you better than anybody! You didn't trust us to be able to deal with what you were feeling, Raleigh, I need a fucking reason not to think you won't leave us again because I can't--"

And it's stupid and he's exhausted and he's still getting the shit out of his system but he's feeling tears prick his eyes and he hates it.

"I can't watch you leave again, Raleigh." It tore him up once, he's not sure he'd survive it again.

"I don't have reasons! It's not like I can pick up a fucking box and go 'oh this one will do!' I just gave you all I had!"

What the fuck else do you want from him?

"Don't worry. This is the last time you'll ever see me. I'm gonna do you a favor and never contact you again."

He's starting to stomp out.

"Raleigh, stop."

Yancy has had enough of you both.

Raleigh stops.

"Sit down, kid. Chuck - you're gonna have to elaborate what you mean by reason for him. He doesn't understand."

Raleigh gives Yancy a murderous look, but he sits down and folds his arms.

Chuck can feel himself curling in, heat pressing at his eyes and nose and he's a grown fucking man and he's not going to cry. Not over Raleigh. ~~Not again.~~

"You know what I'm talking about though, right?" he asks Yancy, voice rough. "We can't just be together just because he changed his mind." He turns back to Raleigh though it's hard to look directly at him. "What are we supposed to do if you change your mind back? It's...it's like you said, you said you'd try, and you tried it and you couldn't do it. Other than missing us, what's changed? What are you going to do to stop this happening again?"

How can he trust Raleigh not to go over all jealous on them again?

"I get it," Yancy says. Chuck wasn't the only one hurt when Raleigh left.

"I don't know what else to give you," raleigh says softly, anger ebbing. "You'll..just have to trust I mean what I say. And if you can't do that, then we all shouldn't be together anyway."

"I want to trust you. I did trust you."

And Raleigh lied to them about how he was feeling. He let it build up until he burst, which wasn't fair to him, and the blast caught Yancy and Chuck, which wasn't fair to them.

"So trust me again," he says, scooting closer to Chuck.

"I'll be better. We'll communicate. All of us. If something's wrong, no hiding. If we're jealous, we talk about why."

Yancy nods, coming to rest a hand on Raleigh's shoulder.

"It has to be open, Rals," he says quietly. "Al across the board. You can't stew over something if it's bothering you, especially if it pertains to all of us."

Raleigh nods.

"I know."

It'd be so fucking easy to just fall into it again, especially with Yancy kind of monitoring Raleigh's behavior, but.

"It's not as easy as that," he said, still gripping the pillow. "Raleigh you said you can't do poly. And that's okay. Talking about being jealous is fine but--what if you can't handle it again? Are you going to leave again?"

"I can," he insists. "I can. It was stupid..I was being petty."

He needs Chuck. And it would be nice to know he's needed in return instead of getting Chuck's arrogance all the time.

"I won't leave. The months I've gone without you..they've been the worst of my life."

He needs Raleigh and Yancy, he misses them so hard it hurts.

Chuck knows this is going to go up in flames. He needs to let them go, he needs for them all to move on and stop feeling this way.

"Yancy too?" Because it can't just be him. "Without Yancy, I mean, it was the same?" He glances at Yancy. "Do you think we can do it?"

"Both of you."

Raleigh is adamant.

"It's both of you. I felt..it feels like I'm dying."

He looks down and Yancy squeezes his shoulder, thumb rubbing gently.

"If we work at it, I think so." Yancy says slowly. "We have to be patient with each other. And kind. I've never seen anyone more skilled at throwing barbs than you two. We need to be good to each other in order to be good for each other."

"...I wanna think about it." He needs rest and he wants to think about it.

He wants to so fucking badly he wants them so much. He misses them he can taste it, he's been trying to let himself breath with overindulgence and it hasn't been working.

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